The only thing standing, right now, between me and the launch of this website is this post. I chose the title when I didn’t have anything written for it yet; it was just a thought that crossed my mind and I put it somewhere, intending to come back later. Well, I did. I wrote the same post over and over again, the same message through different words. No version seemed to be good enough.
It was important to me to get this one right because so many people told me on Instagram that they asked themselves this question too. That was when this post went from being a stupid rant to turning into a big thing – I wanted to voice the worries and insecurities of so many people, or, at least, I wanted to tell you that you’re not the only one feeling like this, not good enough. That instantly stressed me out – could I be good enough at telling people they’re not alone thinking they’re not good enough?
My standards for being good have been changing throughout my life. When I was a child, I didn’t have any. Then I went to school, and being good meant being a good student. While I was a teenager, it also meant being attractive. Both of them lasted until I finished my major, and then I kind of got over it (note the kind of). But no matter my grades or what I did to my body or face, I never felt good enough.
Not feeling good enough means, to me, that you’re never satisfied with the person you are or the place you’re at in life. Not because you constantly want to grow and change (which is positive, inevitable but also a completely different thing); it means instead that you set a goal for yourself – a goal that will turn you into a good enough person once it’s reached. And then you reach it, and you feel empty. Or, at least, still not worthy of whatever validation it is you seek from yourself. Because that’s the thing: no one else can give it to you.
Feeling good enough has been a card castle experience for me. I work really hard on building my confidence, and I do my best to convince myself that I’m great at this, wonderful at that, that I deserve the things I want. Unfortunately, a small false step from me and the cards are on the floor, the castle destroyed. And I go about building it up again, only to be destroyed once more by pretty insignificant human mistakes.
Some people believe that, in order to be a good person, someone simply needs to want to be a good person. They don’t need to act like it, but they need to have that intention. Now, that doesn’t make much sense to me, but it might just work for the act of feeling good enough: if you want to be good, if you want to be the best possible version of yourself, shouldn’t that be good enough? Or do you have to prove yourself in some way, to someone (who?), to show your worth?
For a long time, being good enough meant being a good student, being good at my job, being talented at something. And it was never enough because I could always be better. But being good enough never meant trying to be good. It never meant doing my best, going as far as I can, pushing myself to do better. And the thing is – if being good at something is never enough (because there will always be someone better than you, that’s guaranteed), aren’t effort and dedication the only things we can actually measure?
Nobody likes to lose and get “points for effort”, but I think effort is incredibly underrated. Talent will take you places, but dedication can take you anywhere. And as long as you have that, you’re good. You’re good enough.
So, to answer my own question, yes – I think I will be good enough for myself.